It started with an instant emotional, and often, sexual intensity. Early on, there was an irresistible urge to merge. You felt like you’d known this person for longer than you had—they felt familiar. You even believed you’d found “the one.” Then, they pulled away. They started to devalue you, find fault with you, blame you for problems between the two of you. They’d run hot and cold—they couldn’t get enough of you, and then they’d had enough of you. When you reached a point where you didn’t think you could take the abuse anymore, you made a move to end the relationship. They pulled you back in with promises and apologies. And the cycle began again. You found it difficult or impossible to end the relationship because you felt a deep emotional attachment that made it painful for you to imagine your life without them. This is a relationship trauma bond (RTB).
Here are a few questions to help you determine if you are in an RTB:
- Do you find yourself attracted to a “type”?
- Do you feel a connection that is familiar?
- Do you make excuses for their behavior toward you?
- Do you find yourself not speaking up due to a fear of rejection?
- Do you find yourself enduring hurtful behavior?
- Do you feel anxious or out of sorts when you’re not with them?
- Do you find it difficult or impossible to end the relationship?
- Do you worry about losing them?
- When the relationship ends, do you find it challenging to move
on? Or do you find yourself going back to give it another try?
If you answered yes to several of these questions, you might be engaged
in an RTB.
What Is a Relationship Trauma Bond?
Our attachments to significant people in our lives begin at birth. They are influenced by our temperament as children, the caregivers we have, and the interaction between the two. In general, a healthy attachment results in a sense of security in relationships—an experience of being valued and feeling positive about relationships. An unhealthy attachment results in feelings associated with abandonment, defectiveness, mistrust, and anxiety. These early relationships form our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us. Unhealthy foundational relationships—those formed in childhood—will likely distort our view of our adult relationships and result in unhealthy relationship dynamics.
When we’re children, we have very little, if any, control over our relationships. Affecting change in our early relationships is impossible. In childhood, we depend on the person or people who helped form our core beliefs. When we mature into adulthood, we gain a sense of power over ourselves and our choices. On a conscious or unconscious level, we want to take control of our relationships. This desire often drives us to the same type of person(s) who caused our RTB.
In these adult relationships, you also feel like you need this person for safety and survival. You experience connection because these people feel familiar—like you’ve known them for longer than you have. You experience heightened arousal, which can feel like the “butterflies” that are a bodily sensation associated with attraction. Each of these relationships is a cycle in the reenactment of the trauma you experienced as a child. You were consciously or unconsciously drawn to the same type of person, Introduction 3 believing that this is what you deserve or that this time, it will be different and they will finally see your worth and love you as you deserve and yearn to be loved.
You may already be aware of your drive to seek out similar types of people or to be drawn to situations that are reminiscent of the conditions of your original trauma. Or you may be starting to realize that you have been unconsciously seeking partners or creating experiences that are keeping you stuck in the patterns associated with the trauma from your developmental years. Either way, you are re-exposing yourself to people and environments that are keeping your original trauma activated. You are stuck in reliving RTBs.
As you explore RTBs throughout this book, you may experience negative emotions that are challenging to deal with. If you find yourself struggling, take care and consider speaking to a professional to help you process your experience. This book is just one part of your path to healing.
Exploring Your RTBs
Before we begin, consider why you picked up this book. Is there a particular relationship experience that brought you here? As you move forward, what are you hoping to learn about yourself? Let’s set the stage for the work to come. Throughout the book, you’ll use a journal to reflect on your experiences and develop the tools you need to break free from trauma bonds, end toxic relationships, and develop healthy attachments. You’ll see questions for reflection within the text and more formal exercises. The exercises are designed to help you apply the frameworks and practice the skills, while the reflection questions are meant to provide you with the option of reflecting further on your experience, whether it’s at the same time as you complete the exercises or a later time when you are revisiting the book. This is a good place to start. Respond to the questions above in your journal.
Let’s take a look at what Casey wrote: “My most recent relationship made me realize that I struggle to develop healthy attachments. I want to 4 Why Can’t I Let You Go? understand the reason why it’s hard for me and how I can best move forward. Rationally, I know I’m deserving of real love and that when I’m ready and I’ve done the work, the right person will come into my life. So, when I met my most recent ex I felt, almost immediately, like I’d known them for years. We slept together quickly because it just felt right—I had a feeling they were ‘the one.’ All the bad relationships and disappointments in my past suddenly made sense because it felt like I was about to get my reward for putting up with all of it. Things were great for a month or two— at least I thought so. Then, I began to feel a shift with them, but it was subtle at first. They started canceling our plans to hang out and taking longer to respond to my calls and texts. I didn’t know if this change was in my head or not. Was this normal, after such a hot start? When I look back at it now, while it felt like a relationship to me, we hadn’t actually had a conversation about exclusivity. We hadn’t agreed on expectations, and so maybe I had a much different idea of what we had together than they did. The lack of information about how they felt about me was starting to make me feel panicked. They continued to pull away and eventually ended our time together pretty callously. I’m still confused about how the relationship felt so right to me at the outset but how my judgment had been so wrong. It ended the same way so many of my relationships in the past have ended! I realized that I’m drawn to people who disappear on me. It leaves me feeling that something is wrong with me. I want to understand why I keep getting left.” Can you relate
to Casey’s experience? Or maybe you are stuck in a relationship trauma bond or a series of RTBs. If so, the following situation might resonate with you. Here’s what Kai had
to say about his RTB: “I’ve been in a four-year relationship with someone I’m very comfortable with—I mean comfortable in the sense that they’re familiar to me. Growing up, I never received any positive reinforcement, encouraging words, or expressions of love. Even in my earliest memories I don’t recall my parents ever telling me they loved me. Maybe that’s what tough love looks like. I did receive support and encouragement from some of my friends, teachers, and bosses, but it wasn’t a substitute for what was lacking in my family. Introduction 5 “Fast-forward, and here
I am living with someone who treats me exactly like my parents did. Over the years, I’ve dated people who were complimentary of me and expressed positive reassuring feelings toward me, but I rejected them. Probably because it was unfamiliar to me, and maybe I didn’t think I deserved it. But I’m starting to feel like I deserve more than what I’m getting. And the negativity has taken a toll on me. I think I’m in a relationship trauma bond, I feel stuck, and I need help getting out.” Whether you are
in a toxic cycle of dating, like Casey, or you are stuck in an RTB, like Kai, this book is for you.
About This Book
Understanding yourself and your deeply held and often unconscious beliefs is the first step toward liberating yourself from toxic relationships. Chapter 1 will provide you with detailed explanations about attachment styles as well as an assessment to determine your attachment style. You’ll get insight into the childhood experiences that created the RTB and laid the foundation for toxic relationships in adulthood. This will provide some context for the toxic relationship trap you find yourself stuck in. With the guidance of a nine-trait assessment, you’ll also gain a greater understanding about your temperament. This is another foundational component of your interpersonal dynamics. You’ll start to realize how much was out of your control during your formative years. This realization will allow you to let go of the self-doubt and shame that you’ve likely been carrying with you.
In chapter 2, you’ll gain a new understanding of yourself through the lens of your core beliefs.
You will complete self-assessments on the seven core beliefs that are most linked to RTBs. The core beliefs that laid the foundation for toxic relationships include abandonment, emotional deprivation, defectiveness, mistrust or abuse, dependence, subjugation, and failure. These core beliefs are illustrated in chapter 2 and throughout the book with stories. It’s likely that you will relate to some of the stories; they’ll give you confidence in knowing that you’re not alone in what you’re 6 Why Can’t I Let You Go? struggling with. At the end of chapter 2, you will have a greater understanding of what has been driving your relationship choices. You will also have increased self-compassion for the child in you who endured the interpersonal experiences that formed your core beliefs. Chapter 3 will help you link your core beliefs with your behaviors and relationship choices. Through the process of identifying your behaviors, you’ll begin to understand why they are causing you additional pain. These first three chapters are an examination of your past that can trigger emotional distress. But it’s important to look at your past so you can understand it and leave behind the beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve you. This is a critical step to moving forward on your path toward the healthy life and love that you deserve.
Chapter 4 will revisit the unhelpful coping behaviors that you identified in chapter 3 and help you recognize the familiar “types” of people you find yourself attracted to as a result. You’ll gain a better understanding of why you are drawn to relationship dynamics that are similar to those you experienced in childhood and adolescence. These types of people include the abandoner, the abuser, the controller, the critic, the depriver, and the devastator. We’ll bring awareness to the manipulative strategies these types of people can use, how they target your vulnerabilities, and why the dynamic is keeping both of you stuck in an RTB.
Chapter 5 addresses a very important aspect of the RTB: the intensity. In this chapter, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of the addictive qualities inherent in an RTB. High arousal and high risk are often mistaken for great “chemistry” and intimacy. The reality is that those intense feelings are often predictors of high drama, conflict, and betrayal coupled with passionate reconciliations. An RTB is intense, addictive, and unhealthy. This is a stark contrast to the qualities inherent in healthy intimacy: trust, mutual respect, and safety. Understanding the difference between the two will provide you with the knowledge you need to assist you in making healthy choices.
In chapter 6, you’ll identify your values, including what you specifically value in a relationship, and compare those values to what you have in your current or recent relationship. Once you see the “gap” between the two, Introduction 7 you will learn and apply cognitive and behavioral tools that will help you narrow, and ultimately, close the gap. It is a powerful experience to see the difference between where you are and where you want to be. It’s even more powerful when you narrow and, ultimately, close the gap.
Healthy communication skills are covered in chapter 7. You’ll identify the obstacles to healthy communication, and you’ll be introduced to communication skills that will help you end the cycle of toxic communication.
Chapter 8 highlights the importance and power of mindfulness for staying present in the moment. A mindfulness practice will help you end the unhelpful automatic behaviors that result from situations that trigger you and dynamics that have you stuck in RTBs and toxic relationships.
Chapter 9 will provide you with tools to help you face the pain of loss that comes with liberating yourself from toxic relationships. You’ll be guided through an acceptance and commitment therapy‑based approach to processing the grief as well as the yearning that accompanies the end of a relationship, including an RTB.
In chapter 10, you’ll learn strategies for identifying potential partners as well as tips and tools to guide you through the early stages of dating, when most people can get tripped up by triggers and traps.
In the final chapter, we provide you with a map for staying on the path to creating and living the life that you deserve.
This process will not be easy, but in time you will realize that it’s easier and less painful than the heartache, hurt, and self-doubt you’ve been enduring for years. With increased knowledge and self-compassion, you’ll embrace the belief that you deserve healthy, loving relationships and a value-driven life.
You won’t be doing this alone. Let’s get started on your new path together.
